Boundaries are commonly an issue amongst those who have experienced abuse in early childhood. Often this means that they are unable to form healthy boundaries within their adult relationships and sexual connections.
The following passage by Jana Dixon in The Biology of Kundalini explains what happens to those with boundary issues as a result of early childhood abuse:
“Those who were not given adequate boundary development in childhood or had their boundaries dissolved by physical, emotional or sexual abuse may need to develop adequate boundaries first before the union of join Samadhi is possible. For the subboundaried individual is more likely to enter into “fusion” rather than “union.” Then in response to this “loss” of self-boundaries rather than the “expansion” of self-boundaries the individual(s) will flip into withdrawal-rejection immediately after the massive endorphin flush of the joint-samadhi has subsided.
We must also be aware that if we have had inadequate social wiring of the primary matrix in 0-3 years, we will feel this internal disconnection as rejection by our love object. Perhaps you cannot get ultimately-close to someone who has suffered incest or abandonment because the final crossing (structures for communion) is either “not there” or is “totally barred off.” A similar condition probably exists with PTSD as well. Yet our healing calls us like a Great Attractor right to that edge to experience that gulf and that wall. The division between separate-selves is that same force that drives us into wanting to experience union…therefore Desire steams from separation coupled with the intuition for unity. No wonder the truly realized Gurus are no longer interested in sex for they are already in union.
“She” could not meet you in samadhi because her strength comes from her separation from people…she learnt people can’t be trusted, they are fundamentally abusers…so she had to act with contempt at that point to reinstate her boundaries. She might give voice to that with “Union is weak, it means that I am not really here, and I have to be here in order to protect myself, in order to be here.”
“Boundaries are better formed within a mature loving partnership or friendship(s). The boundaries formed by means of mistrust and contempt are fatally flawed as far as creating any kind of workable real happiness and fulfillment. Boundaries created by means of loving partnership can be the healthy workable flexible kind. To seek or crave and temporarily find “Ultimate Union” before stabilizing (really living) a personal love relationship is not really workable. The crash is inevitable. It is indeed the great attractor, and is the source of the Sacred within a personal love relationship.” ~ Michael Duois
Those who have experienced sexual abuse may actually need to cultivate a tantric sex practice, to prevent part of them remaining suspended at the developmental level at which they where abused. I know it sounds funny—cultivating a tantric practice and “trying” to remain awake during sex, but there is no better way to get at the parts of our body, mind and soul that were cut off and numbed out by the abuse. By becoming conscious of the “point where we flip into unconsciousness” during sex, we learn to witness the energy shift it takes to coach oneself to be present. This loosens the neurological armoring around the original trauma allowing sexuality to be reintegrated into adult maturity, and in this way allowing adult relationship to occur. PTSD and tantric sex…could be a whole new avenue of human investigation. Elevating sex from the shadow realm of a clandestine poke in the dark to a sacred act, or the sacred in action, means that we can heal deepest parts of ourselves and awaken to levels that we may never have dreamed of.
Healing the numbness of the abandoned/betrayed child requires actually touching the pain that brought on that numbness and then filling that void with life, blood, love and spirit that we never received.
The Ecstatic Wave is the flow between dissolution and structure.”
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